I am a housewife, homemaker, Stay at home mom, Domestic Engineer, Queen of the Castle, Director of our home security and health, V.P. of House and Home, Residential Coordinator, CEO of my clan, (my favorite) Home and Life Coordinator. Don't forget Domestic Goddess. And the actual title my family has given me, KILLER OF FUN!
What does all of this mean? They are titles. Labels. Some labels we wear proudly, others we are not so happy with.
All moms have similarities in how we do what we do. Whether we work out of the home, have an extra job in the home, or focus completely on our children and the household duties. Some of us cook every meal, some clean their own house, some send out their laundry, whatever or however you do this job, doesn't mean you are doing it the right or wrong way.
There is a commercial on TV showing all the different groups of moms that they have labeled. The breast feeders, the executives, on and on.... but, the truth is, we are moms. And just as there are a million different personalities in our collective children, there is a million different ways to parent each personality.
Ladies, we are on the same side. We all need a kind word. We all need help remembering that we are human beings and not just burp rags. We need a hug from time to time, or not because we are tired of being touched!
None of us have it easier or harder. We have it different. And we have set up the way we are going through this jungle of Mommydom the best way we know how. We make decisions based on the best knowledge we have at the time. Not one of us would ever make a decisions we believed wasn't the best choice for our family. We wouldn't make a choice to intentionally hurt our little ones. When we look at another mom and think that the choices they are making are horrible and so bad for their kids, what should we do? Talk behind their backs? Blast anyone who makes those choices as terrible parents? We have enough mommy-guilt of our own not to be adding to others guilt monsters.
I have 4 children. The oldest is about to be 18 and the youngest is about to be 7. I have changed so many things as time has gone on about how I parent. I have also changed how I parent according to the child I'm dealing with. There is no perfect parenting theory. There is no magic thing that makes all of life easy and fun all the time. You've heard that anything this important is going to be a lot of work. It will keep you up nights, it will make you cry and have you on your knees several times before they leave the house and I suspect, many times after.
I propose a new idea. Actually, it is a super old one. Let's support each other. Let's support each mom as if she was your sister. Not all of us have sisters and some of us have sisters that we don't completely get along with. And some of us were blessed with sisters as best friends. This means we don't have to adore all of the different moms in the world. We just have to help and smile and acknowledge that you understand. Know that we are a sisterhood. A group of women that understand some things in this life better then anyone else. You want someone to acknowledge how hard a C-section is? Find another mom that has had one. Our husbands and friends without kids try, but it isn't the same. My darling husband is great. And he really tries to understand. When it comes to some additive in food, or how our little girls should dress or not dress, the look the teenage girl in the mall gave our teenage son..... NO one understands your concerns, your freak outs, your struggles of staying awake to see if they are still breathing, better then another mom.
Whether you breast feed or not - Maybe you could ask a mom you see struggling with keeping herself covered out of modesty and exhaustion a knowing smile or a word of encouragement. "You are doing a great job." " That must be difficult to keep covered the whole time like that in this heat."
Maybe you see a mom with a screaming little one desperately looking for a place to add water to her babes bottle to feed him. Maybe you can help out. Look around. Do you see a drinking fountain? We all know that a mom can't think or see or talk intelligently while her baby is screaming. A little kindness from mom to mom goes a long way.
When I go into the store with my younger ones and I see a mom struggling with a tantrum child, I remember those days and yes, even thank the Lord that it isn't me today. This is when a mom needs the most help. Funny though it may be to just NOT look at her. She is as embarrassed as you would be if it was your child. Don't say anything to the child. It isn't helpful. Again, if she catches your eye, a knowing smile or even a "We have all been there," can be very helpful.
I saw a mom with twins in a side by side stroller walking through Trader Joe's, placing the food she needed on the top of the stroller. I, as a seasoned mom, knew what was coming and could have pointed out a few things she was doing that was about to or could lead to disaster. In fact, truthfully it took all of my strength to keep my mouth shut because I could see the frazzle start to unravel as the twins began to kick and want out of the stroller. Here it comes, you know what is going to happen, don't you? The one little boy pulled on the sun shade where mom was piling up the small amount of groceries she had been putting there. All of the groceries came plopping down onto the floor. CRASH! SMASH! CRACK! It was loud and mom lost it. She started yelling. She was on the verge of hysteria.
I got away from her and her melt down. The fewer people that are standing staring at you during a melt down the better for your ego later. This story is one reason I love Trader Joe's, and they will have my eternal patronage. There were people all over. One worker grabbed a cart, two started cleaning the floor and another started going around the store replacing everything she had stacked up on the stroller into the cart. They helped her finish shopping and get to the car. That's when I noticed her in the parking lot shutting the back of the mini van with a disgusted and exasperated look on her face. I walked across the parking lot. I didn't know if she was a bottle feeder, a family bed believer, a cry it out, or an executive that is only home a couple days a week. All I knew that she was a mom. A mom with young ones and she had two of them. This woman in my opinion deserved a medal for trying to get out of the house. I got to her and she looked at me with a worried expression. I often wonder what she thought I was going to say. Did she think I was going to give her unsolicited advice on how to parent better then she did? Then she does? I simply said, "I"m sorry. We have all been there. It happens to us all at some point. It doesn't make it any better, but you aren't the only one. It just wasn't me today."
She started to cry. She said, "I can't do anything. This is so hard. I shouldn't have yelled."
I said, "We all yell at some point. We all loose our cool. And we all make mistakes. This is totally hard, but, you are doing it and you can do it."
"I can't even leave the house without disaster happening!" She sobbed.
I so badly wanted to hug her but, I remember having little ones and I barely wanted to stand near people some days because the baby was constantly hanging on me. So I refrained and said, "but, you did make it out today. That is an accomplishment. You can do this."
She thanked me for coming and being nice as her twins started screaming again. Probably hungry. Probably tired. Probably teething. What other excuses do we give? It doesn't matter. They are screaming, and as a mom it is our job to make it better, or stop.
Moms, we are a club unto itself. One that has been around longer then any other club. It's called Motherhood. We don't need a special hat or pin. We wear many tell tale signs on us. All of us. Whether we work in an office or we play "pick up all the toys so you can throw them down again" all day. In the beginning we wear spit up, and faint odors of poop and spoiled milk or formula. We all wear tired eyes, and we carry strange things in our purses. Binky's, teething rings, butt paste, cars, princesses, plastic frogs, and plastic jewelry, barbie shoes, and hair barrettes, baggies of Cheerios, and chewed gum, we carry things in our purses we don't know what they are. I had a collection of rocks in my purse I carried for about a month before I realized they were there. Seriously. Rocks. Women without kids say, how is that possible? How do you not know what is in your purse? Well,.... I don't know. It just happens. I can't explain it. Your purse grows these extra spots that toys and junk fall into that we can't see when we are pulling our cards out to pay at the store. Maybe the purse has magically turned into a Mary Poppins bag, bottomless.
As you go out into the world today, give another mom that "hi" smile. The, we are the same, look. Give her a chance to see that she isn't alone. Because at some point we all feel alone.
I don't believe in the village raising my child but, I do believe in other women encouraging, sympathizing, even cheering me on as I get from one milestone to the next. I will do the same for you.
If you come up with some secret hand shake or wave we can do to acknowledge each other, please share it but, know that our hands are full and will probably never be able to do it.
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| All moms have moments like this. Hands are so full. |
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